What should parents do if they can’t help but get angry with their children?
Children are naughty and careless. As parents, we can’t help but get angry at our children when we see them making mistakes. But every time we get angry, we regret it and worry about affecting the parent-child relationship. May I ask how parents can control their emotions when their children make mistakes and not get angry with their children?
expert’s point
Ma Bohui, psychology teacher at Beijing No. 166 Middle School
In the process of raising children, there will always be countless maddening moments: when the children are disobedient and talk back; when they are dilly-dallying and do not do their homework well; when they are naughty and make mistakes… At this time, parents will meet Easily irritable and angry, and can’t help but get angry at children. In fact, from a psychological perspective, in daily life, what affects our emotions is often not the event itself, but how we view it. For example, when you are cooking in the kitchen and you turn around and see your child knocking the water glass on the table to the ground, how would you feel? It’s easy to get angry if you think your child is causing trouble for you or that your child is stupid. What if he wanted to pour you a glass of water, but he was not able to do it and spilled the water all over the floor? Does your mood change when you think like this?
Therefore, if you want to adjust your emotions and solve the problem of “getting angry”, the most important thing is to accept the fact that children need time to grow and need to be constantly guided and educated. We cannot habitually demand children at an adult pace: thinking that if we tell a child the truth, he will understand and remember it immediately; if he corrects a child’s mistake, he will not make it again next time; if he teaches a child the way to do things, he will You can do it quickly and skillfully in no time. In fact, some truths need to be “inculcated” repeatedly before children can remember them in their minds; some mistakes need to be experienced several times and the consequences are personally experienced before children can learn from them; some skills require repeated attempts and training before children can master them proficiently. .
With the above consensus in mind, when faced with the moment when our children make us angry, we can try this:
First, learn awareness and emotion recognition. Self-awareness is the first step in emotional management. Parents can pay more attention to their own emotional changes and discover and identify negative emotions in time.
Parents can try to think about it, what emotions am I feeling now? What are the thoughts behind these emotions? Have you fallen into the misunderstanding mentioned above again? Is it possible to adjust my thinking? If you feel that the intensity of emotions is relatively high at this time, it is recommended that parents leave the current scene and try to take a few deep breaths to calm themselves down before further thinking and communication.
Secondly, parents should learn to distinguish between emotions and facts, and avoid exaggerating or distorting facts because of emotions, causing communication barriers with their children.
When we are emotionally excited, it is easy to use evaluative language expressions, such as: Why do you play with your mobile phone every day, you are a child who is not sensible, etc. However, this kind of evaluative language often further intensifies the conflict with the child and damages the parent-child relationship. On the contrary, we can use more factual language to communicate with our children, such as: I see that you often work until eleven or twelve o’clock recently, instead of saying why you are so diligent; we can say that I see that you are doing this You failed the first time, have you ever thought about the reason? Instead of directly labeling your child that you just don’t work hard, are not smart enough, etc.
Finally, parents should also learn to take care of themselves. If you find that you are easily angry with your children or family during this period, then you can think about whether you are under greater pressure at work or in life. If so, it is recommended that parents take care of themselves first, let themselves do some relaxing things, and seek support and help from their family members. Only when your own emotions are stable will you not be easily aroused by many emotions when facing your children.
Of course, if parents really can’t help but get angry with their children, they don’t have to get too caught up in a cycle of self-blame. When the parents’ emotions calm down, they can take the initiative to communicate calmly with their children, and frankly tell the children what their mother/father was thinking just now and why they got angry. They can also ask their children to talk about their thoughts and feelings. If the conflict is handled properly, It is also an opportunity to enhance parent-child communication.
